Session....
I am a tall woman formally dressed in a office somewhere in Europe. The signage here is in a language not known to me. It seems like it is Germany as there are Nazi signs. (explains the dislike for any movie or documentary made on World War II, I just cannot watch ).
I am in this office to meet a man in dark colour uniform and request him to let the women in my shelter home to go and bring their men’s body for graceful burial. The list in my hand is of soldiers who died in World War II. I am polite and tactful with him but despite my pleading he sent me away saying that he has more important issues to address and he does not know where bodies could be found. I went back to the shelter home and was very upset. It was very painful to explain to them that I failed and i cannot help them to even mourn over their personal loss.
Both of us me and my husband are Doctors, but after the war I was given the charge of the shelter home for women and children whose husbands died in the war and lost their home. All these men were taken forcefully to the battle field. I see my husband occasionally during his very short visits as he is lot busy taking care of injured soldiers in the Nazi camps.
We both are still in college when we get married, may be 21, we are class mates. We have an amazing bond and are close friends too. He is my soul mate in present life. We are blessed with a beautiful baby boy. We had very happy times till the beginning of war.
My son is 3 or 4 years old. We lost him, someone took him away and I do not know how this happened. I am crying at the very painful loss ( I have always been scared of having children, always felt i was too absent minded to be a good mother, this fear was to the extent that i would not hold any baby and would always avoid being with children and this seems to have the answer to my phobia of having children).
My husband became very quiet after the loss of our son. I feel deep inside he blames me for being careless and our relation has turned cold. During this time the War started.
Germany is getting divided into 2 parts. Since my husband is working in the Nazi camps which are in West Germany, we are separated by law of the land. They never let us be together. There are high fences and we meet for the last time. He is cold like a stone with no emotions in his warm eyes. Looking at him it felt as if i never knew him.
I work in a hospital during day shifts only. I enjoy the shelter home and the social work more than treating patients. Life is just a routine after this, we write to each other regularly but that is the only source of hope in life... One day i die of a heart attack while waiting for the postman, i was maybe 54. I carried so much pain and agony. I am upset and carrying sadness, grief and a sense of loss as I did not accept my circumstances. Deep inside I knew I wasted my life in wait and in sadness. (My head felt so heavy that i started to feel the headache). It seems I had to learn the lesson of “ACCEPTANCE". I moved up into light and looking from above I felt my husband had accepted that life.
Reorientation…..
I am repeating the same pattern at certain times, acceptance does not come to me easily. I fight the circumstances to the extent of forgetting to live life. I do not accept what I do not like. I turn the table around and change my situation but it takes lot of energy and effort, it does not come to me easily.
But one lesson i need to learn. In life we cannot have everything together and we need to surrender at times. It is a matter of faith too. When one has complete faith and surrenders then usually life takes a positive turn. I had not learnt that as a result i was complaining and once you complain you cannot be grateful. I believe this is one of the most valuable lessons that i had failed to learn and I am so happy and grateful that i have been reminded of it in a way that i would never be able to forget. Thank you Dr. Vandana !!!
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